It's been ages to update. i dunno where was i lost in. now comin back to post session gives me a sudden death of all past happenings of the last two months. now at d crossroads m really confused where shud i exactly move...
ahead i see my girl standin n waitin for ma decision to hold ma hand and go thru every phase of life with me. and here me jobless again... with no future at this specific moment... lie unshattered with the feeling of being lone forever n depressed. i really dunno where should i go. she' impatience, she's dead waiting for my response but i cant n really cant forge her to be with a man with no future.
She wont understand the actual condition of my brain. i've tried to let her come accross about mental stage of mine. she sumtimes feel known to it but by then sum days pass on n she again arises with her questions which really gets me depressed. i cant ask her to bear my irresponsible habits and go with it for me. i remember how desperate was i to have a spoilt, undefined, roller coster kinda life ! but now when i really have a unstable life, MY LIFE actually asks me for stability.
She says she cant find life without me. i say i need time to cope up the unstability. she woes she doesnt have any time to spare. but m really unable to deliver in a very short period of time. its been months i have been doin nothing apart for sum one month, two month jobs at different companies.
Now what i really want is time and HER also. but thinking deep n very deep, i realised, life has made me choose a path outta two..
first lies, ahead a life i ever dreamt of... it would be with my gurl.... the serenity of bein with her till i die.. the satisfaction of bein important for sumone who cares for me... the undetachable support of the woman whom i would relish to have till i die !
the second roads consists of nullness... bein unrealistic... singlehoodship....of power to dream anything and to achieve it without any time slot to be filled... of living a life without the soulmate and keep dead as i always loved to... every part of life seems to be dead without her.. but there lies a thing which makes me tempt to go for..is no one to blame me that i made a shit of their life.... i wont be a "symbiotic creature" which live in the gutter of characterless living being. i would be free from emotions to be cared for as i am unable to care for. i have failed doing it. i would be free from any companionship... BUT IN THE END all i would be is ALONE..
i have to make a choice. n i dont have any other road to take on.
either i have to compromise with ma ego, pride self esteem, swallow every bitter word she has uttered to me and hope for a happy life ahead with her.....
OR i go for the second option.....and live alone untill death.
i kno she ll be broken yet she ll have a safer future any she ll definitely have better chances of life and to rise again with dignity. with me she'll miss the goodness, the luxuries of life which she always dream about...
i cant ask her to follow me in the ugly deep lone roads of fraternity. i cant make her suffer in life because of me, my irresponsibilities.
i want to be convicted for ma own guilts, errors, mistakes. and not for making others life, hell. be it her or ma parents.
God bless me! i need support which gives me strength to try to take a decision outta two roads.
i know the outcome of making any choice would be drastic, pacifyin, sad, i would be made alone to suffer thru it without any companion !
ahead i see my girl standin n waitin for ma decision to hold ma hand and go thru every phase of life with me. and here me jobless again... with no future at this specific moment... lie unshattered with the feeling of being lone forever n depressed. i really dunno where should i go. she' impatience, she's dead waiting for my response but i cant n really cant forge her to be with a man with no future.
She wont understand the actual condition of my brain. i've tried to let her come accross about mental stage of mine. she sumtimes feel known to it but by then sum days pass on n she again arises with her questions which really gets me depressed. i cant ask her to bear my irresponsible habits and go with it for me. i remember how desperate was i to have a spoilt, undefined, roller coster kinda life ! but now when i really have a unstable life, MY LIFE actually asks me for stability.
She says she cant find life without me. i say i need time to cope up the unstability. she woes she doesnt have any time to spare. but m really unable to deliver in a very short period of time. its been months i have been doin nothing apart for sum one month, two month jobs at different companies.
Now what i really want is time and HER also. but thinking deep n very deep, i realised, life has made me choose a path outta two..
first lies, ahead a life i ever dreamt of... it would be with my gurl.... the serenity of bein with her till i die.. the satisfaction of bein important for sumone who cares for me... the undetachable support of the woman whom i would relish to have till i die !
the second roads consists of nullness... bein unrealistic... singlehoodship....of power to dream anything and to achieve it without any time slot to be filled... of living a life without the soulmate and keep dead as i always loved to... every part of life seems to be dead without her.. but there lies a thing which makes me tempt to go for..is no one to blame me that i made a shit of their life.... i wont be a "symbiotic creature" which live in the gutter of characterless living being. i would be free from emotions to be cared for as i am unable to care for. i have failed doing it. i would be free from any companionship... BUT IN THE END all i would be is ALONE..
i have to make a choice. n i dont have any other road to take on.
either i have to compromise with ma ego, pride self esteem, swallow every bitter word she has uttered to me and hope for a happy life ahead with her.....
OR i go for the second option.....and live alone untill death.
i kno she ll be broken yet she ll have a safer future any she ll definitely have better chances of life and to rise again with dignity. with me she'll miss the goodness, the luxuries of life which she always dream about...
i cant ask her to follow me in the ugly deep lone roads of fraternity. i cant make her suffer in life because of me, my irresponsibilities.
i want to be convicted for ma own guilts, errors, mistakes. and not for making others life, hell. be it her or ma parents.
God bless me! i need support which gives me strength to try to take a decision outta two roads.
i know the outcome of making any choice would be drastic, pacifyin, sad, i would be made alone to suffer thru it without any companion !
